i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
