I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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