So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
