half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
