he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
