I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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