Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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