I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
