i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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