who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
