i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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