Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
