I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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