remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
