im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
