the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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