he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
