wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
