Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
