Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
