my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
be right there i have to get my cape
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
