false alarm. still invincible.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
