Kiss
Puke
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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