Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
