I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Go christen that room with your naked body.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
