maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
