having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
