I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
