I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
