Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
