Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
