does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
