So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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