Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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