Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
