The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it's like iHOP with fire
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Someone came in the potted fern
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
