i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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