theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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