Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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