i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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