Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
