I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
