Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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