I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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