I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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