I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
