Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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