If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
