She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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