alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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