stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
