I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
