I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
