This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
